Please Note:: This is a series about my experiences with binge eating. Binge eating is a pattern of disordered eating which consists of episodes of uncontrollable eating. Many of the things I discuss could be extremely triggering if you are dealing with an eating disorder, so please read at your own risk. I am not an doctor or a therapist. I am simply telling you my story.

I was having a really good day.

I good week, really. In my WordPress dash sat the unpublished post titled “Best Day EVER!” where I gushed about my perfect eating day. Everything was nutritious, filling, and on calorie target. I had worked out. I felt good in my own skin; a feeling that seems very short-lived these days.

That night I sat down to my computer to finish editing my post and then head off to the gym. I had my gym clothes on, my water-bottle filled, and my ipod charged. While scrolling through my iPhoto roll to ad a picture to the post, this suddenly flashed before my eyes: two screen caps from a video recently taken …

and that’s all it took.

Now, I admit, pretty much noone looks flattering after driving two hours in their gym clothes and sitting cross-legged on the floor. Maybe 2% of anyone I’ve ever known ;) But honestly, I didn’t care. All I cared about were the rolls of fat spilling over my pants, taking over my legs, and busting out of my shirt. I saw my face bloated, ballooned, squishy and just … FAT. My arms looked like sausages squeezed into too-tight casing. My hair was greasy and thin. Don’t forget my triple chins or my humped back. How tiny and shrunken my head looks compared to my enormous body. How my feet were falling asleep and I was holding myself up by my legs. I’m so fat I can’t even SIT correctly.

You are fucking disgusting.
An embarrassment.
How the hell do people even LIKE you. How can they stand to be around you, look at you!

This voice has been in my head for as long as I can remember. I’m not sure where it started or why, but it’s there. Through therapy I’ve started to realize that this voice isn’t really me. I would never treat myself this way by choice. (Or so I think?)

Fuck the gym. It’s not like it’s doing you any good. You know everyone is looking at you and laughing.
You’re worthless.
How long have you been trying to do this with no success. Gee, looks like you’re on the right track, loser.

So, I ate to shut the voice up. I was mad and embarrassed. Is this really how people see me? How do I have any friends? Do they talk about be behind my back? One would think, that if I were really worried about being “fat and disgusting” that I wouldn’t hop in my car, barefoot, and drive straight to McDonald’s.

Yet, that seemed like the only choice.

I had tears in my eyes when I ate it all. I hated myself for binge eating before I had even left the house to get the food. I hated myself as I ordered. I hated myself driving home, feeling my skin itch with having to wait to eat it (I just wanted it gone gone gone). I hated myself while I shoved it down my throat in 10 minutes. 10. Minutes. I don’t even remember tasting any of it, just the paranoia that the wrappers were making too much noise. Better eat fast before Adam hears you and realizes he married a fucking ugly pig.

The Binge

I think the overwhelming theme is clear. This was not done out of comfort or love. When I binge, it’s usually as a punishment. In this case, I think a punishment for “being disgusting” and also for being happy until that point. It was like I was telling myself, “You don’t deserve to be proud or happy. How dare you think you were doing good. Now look at you, failing again. You always fail.”

___________________________________

I’ve rewritten this post a dozen times over the past six days. I could have written 3,000 on this subject, and probably will over the lifetime of this blog. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that you have an eating disorder. A disordered view of food. This is just a snapshot of what it’s like, and not the worst I’ve been by a long shot. I’m in panic mode that friends and family will read this entry and finally see through all my lies … and walk away. It’s embarrassing, it’s shameful, and incredibly hard for me to put into words.

I hope know this is a turning point for me. The next morning I immediately told Adam. This is the first time, in my entire life, that I’ve ever told anyone and not tried to hide it. It was gut-wrenching to look him in the eyes and admit to being broken. (And I feel the tears coming as I type this.)

My story is far from over. I want to talk about it all: my history with binge eating when I was a child and in college, and what I think may be the root of my issues with food. My biggest hope in documenting my struggles is that I can learn to love myself. Hopefully, some of you reading might understand me a little more or relate these stories to your own struggles.

So, here we go. Six days binge-free and counting.

Onward.

 

Emily
Be Strong. Be Fearless. Be You.

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categories: Binge Eating, Emotional Weight, Life of a Binge Eater, Struggles68 comments

  • Lauren Franck

    I’m so proud of you Emily. Telling someone is a huge deal. Everyone has their demons and the fact you are dealing with them and sharing it with others it’s inspiring. I’m always here if you need anything. <3

    • http://twitter.com/Jim_Burnett Jim Burnett

       Lauren said it all. Talk to your #fitblog friends if you need anything! :-)

      • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

        So true. I love this #fitblog community!

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      Thank you, Lauren! <3

  • Joyfulsanctuary

    Six days and counting. Im not disgusted, rather it seems so familiar. *hugs*

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

       hugs back to you … I’m here for you anytime <3

  • http://sassyingitup.blogspot.com/ Sarah

    Thanks for sharing this. You are a wonderful woman who deserves not to feel like that.

    You are not alone in having that voice or the self hate it desires. I’ve been there as well and know it’s an act of desperation. A misguided type of self care but still a call out that something isn’t right. Sometimes a screaming demand from that head voice or a reaction to food deprivation because a part of me is in dieting mode.

    Try not to feel embarrassed or ashamed because of how you tried to look after yourself and fell back into old coping mechanisms. We are all just a work in progress xx

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      A constant work in progress!! :) Thanks for the love, Sarah

  • Tracironald

    One day at a time! I’m not a binge eater but I was a purger… Sometimes it’s just taking baby steps ! Proud of you!!! Hang in there! You can do this!

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      I’m so glad to hear that you *were* a purger and not *are* a purger! GREAT WORK! :D Thank you for the encouragement. I know there are so many people out there with their own eating disorders/messy secrets. Here’s to the good fight! 

  • Tara

    Since I am also a binge eater (or hopefully now I can say was a binge eater), I really identified with you in this post and I’m really looking forward to reading your future posts about it.  You wrote about it really well and even though it’s incredibly painful– especially that inner voice that belittles and berates you– it’s awesome that you were able to put it down in words and analyze and start to move forward.

    Also, just so’s ya know, the only thing people are saying behind your back is that you’re really awesome for how much work you put into everything you do.  I really admire that.  I feel really undedicated and lazy sometimes and you’re very inspiring.

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      Oh Tara, I heart you. :) Let’s kick that inner voice to the curb. 

  • Jjhbeautiful

    You know that you are not alone. I do have moments of binge eating. I look at myself in the mirror and see a fat cow too. I appreciate you being honest and bringing the pain to light. That will help. Have you read the book Shades Of Hope by Tennie McCarty, she is an expert on binge eating and the tools to use to help with those episodes. I just started her book myself and I am hoping to find freedom and help in being mindful of my issues. I want to commend you for being honest with Adam and with yourself that will help you heal. Bravo! 

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      Thank you so much for the reading recommendation!  I just finished “Women, Food and God” by Geneen Roth. Once you’re done with yours, I would definitely suggest picking it up! I’ve added “Shades of Hope” to my library list. :)

      Thank you for the support. That goes both ways – I”m here to, if you ever need to vent!

  • Lindsay

    I feel like giving you a standing ovation right now :) . You have written a post that tons of people can relate to (myself included), but nobody talks about. I have always had trouble controlling my eating in certain situations (when I’m really tired, hormonal, seasonally depressed) and with certain foods (cereal, bread, chips, crackers). My overeating is more of a comfort than a punishment; regardless, I understand how miserable it feels to not be able to control yourself. I have gotten much much better just through practice over the years, but I still struggle to find a balance of what the right amount of food is. 
    I truly appreciate your willingness to share this with the world; that must have been scary! I look forward to more posts on the topic. Way to go on the 6 days!! 

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      Thank you, Lindsay! I’m hoping to turn that 6 days into 600 … but baby steps, right? ;) I’m glad to hear that you’ve gotten better over the years, it gives me a lot of hope! <3

  • Jdeprima

    So many people struggle with disordered and self-destructive behavior; it’s very brave and healthy for you to articulate your issues so honestly. Remember to celebrate your progress and not be too hard on yourself if you have a setback—this is a major step. Good luck, and be kind to yourself!

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      In all the struggle, it’s hard to be kind to ourselves sometimes, isn’t it? Thank you for the reminder. :)

  • Renee Burbol

    I know that voice. I remember days when I would stop at the donut shop on the way to work and buy 3 or 4 donuts and eat them in the (literal) two minutes it took to drive from the shop to my job. Or eating a half gallon (yes, the whole thing) of ice cream in one sitting and maybe some cookies, too. It’s hard to get around that voice, that mean, terrible voice. To not listen, to contradict, to ignore… but I know you can do it. You are so very brave for writing this post for us all to read.

    One thing that helped me was to write down how I felt after eating, no matter what it was. Did eating that salad make me feel good or bad? Did that cupcake upset my stomach? Did those tacos give me heartburn? Do I feel more energy after eating that apple? Not as a criticism, but as facts I can look back on, to help me make the connection that eating cupcakes doesn’t make me feel good, they give me gas. (true story :P )  It helped me realize that foods that I binged on (mostly cakes and sweets for me) DO NOT make me feel BETTER, they make me feel WORSE. It has been hard for me, very hard, but taking those small steps, learning to not listen to that voice and instead listen to the whispers of ‘I’m worth it’ and ‘I deserve to be happy’, it has gotten a little bit easier, day by day.

    You are not alone, Emily. There are thousands of people like you and me. You were just brave enough to speak up. To Adam and to all of us.  You are so strong and beautiful. I admire and respect you more than I can say. 

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      Oh Renee. You are one of my dearest friends in this tangled internet webz. Seriously, how long have we known each other from back in Blog to Lose Days? Anyway…. ;) Thank you for this comment, truly. I’ve been trying hard to recognize those feelings after eating as well. It’s really eye opening (and disheartening) to know that you KNOW better but chose to do it anyway. Arg. One day at a time!

      Thank you thank you thank you <3

  • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.gosvener Courtney Gosvener

    thanks for this post!  I have done this all my adult life.  I first noticed myself doing it after I gained weight, not so much before….I was pudgy in high school but not obese or overly unhealthy.  My binge eating started after I was like, “Gawd I am so fat I hate the way I look.” Bam, I would eat a big mac french fries, milk shake and big dr. pepper.  I don’t binge that often anymore but when i PMS I sometimes get a craving and go overboard.  Pictures do me in the most.  when i go about my day to day I am not as mindful that I am overweight, but pictures I see it and go “how did I let myself get here and I need to change”  I want to start but never do :/

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

       Getting started is THE hardest part, for sure. I really think blogging and making connections within the Fitblog community has helped me a lot. I’m not sure I would have even started trying (for real trying, not just saying it. haha) with out all of this. I don’t have all the answers, but if you ever need ANYTHING please don’t hesitate to reach out to me! You (and I) can do this :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.gosvener Courtney Gosvener

    Oh and pictures also make me want to give up too :( Ugg…It’s hard to have good habits when it takes 365 days of good eating and exercise to totally “see” it, so going to the gym every day for a week in that frame of time doesn’t seem as big a deal when you see a picture.  That’s why I struggle.  I never start because it takes so much to change the weight, but if I never start then I will never change the weight! Again thanks for this post!

  • Sinner Ella

    Thank you for sharing your post and your struggle. With this honesty you’re going to help more people than will admit it. You are brave and I admire your honesty and appreciate every word. Recognizing your triggers is an amazing thing. Many never stop and try to find them. And it was a wonderful step for you to be honest with your husband. I would totally hi-5 you for it. 

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

       Thank you! Not gonna lie, I kind of felt like high-5-ing (? lol) someone after the embarrassment wore off. Honesty is a little painful. Thank you for reading <3

  • Erin

    We will not walk away. We as friends spend time with you, read your blog, and support you because you are inspiring. You are always so fun to hang out with and I wish I had spent more time with you in college…we had so much fun senior year in high school…good memories.

    Emily because of you I participated in my first 5k last year and I enjoy it! I would have never thought in million years that I could enjoy running/jogging. I read more about eating nutritiously and exercising for my health instead of focusing on weight because of YOU. We all fall behind on our goals but if we maintain our focus and understand that our health and being honest is important then we succeed. Thank you for your honesty, you are brave.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=705971800 Christa Diehl

    “I’m in panic mode that friends and family will read this entry and finally see through all my lies … and walk away” OMG Yes!  I know exactly what you are saying. We all try so hard to seem perfect and 

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      ”
      Eating disorders are awful because no one really talks about them, sure anorexia and bulimia do receive attention and sympathy; but if you are a binge eater you are looked at with disdain” <– this brings up an interesting point! I often think that being F-A-T is so despised in our society, that being anorexic or bulimic is more a more "acceptable disease."

  • Steffi

    wow, I am so proud of you! telling anybody about a problem is something most people can’t  do because it requires so much strength and courage. 
    I don’t know you in person but when when I am reading your blog you seem like a really good hearted, fearless woman who is willing to do something to make her life better and to be happy, and it has been a motivaition for me to get my ass up and do something aswell :)  

    In my experience, telling somebody who is close to you about your struggle is really important because that way you are no longer alone with it and that’s great. And always remember that “Rome wasn’t build in a day” ;D so be patient and  extremely proud of yourself for every little progress you see.
    Keep it up, you are a wonderful person! :)

    (sry for my english, I hope you can understand at least half of it) 

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      Your English is perfectly fine! Thank you for taking the time to comment :) You are so kind!! xoxo!

  • Sarah Richards

    Thank you for sharing this, I know sometimes it feels like you are alone in how you feel and in the binge eating, and reading this made me realise I am not, and you are not alone. Its a horrid feeling and thing to go through, and the after effects on your body are so horrid it makes me question myself every time as to why I do it again. But then that little voice in your head starts again, and you can feel the binge coming as your going to the shop or takeaway or whatever your choice of poison is and your picking it up and paying for it and you know you should walk away but all you think about is how you want that feeling to go away and the shame you feel before you have even started eating because you know nothing you do or say is going to stop you from putting that food in your mouth. Its a horrid horrid feeling, and I admire you for admitting you have a problem yo your friends and family, the only people who know mine are the ones who read my blog and even they dont understand the extent to it, or what it means or feels like to binge. They dont understand how you get to this point and thats the hardest part for me, because of that I feel like they are judging me. 

    Good luck on your journey from now on, admitting it and talking about it is one of biggest steps to defeating it and I hope you manage to reach that point. 

    Sarah
    http://fatgirlfighting.blogspot.com 

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      Thank you for your message, Sarah! It’s definitely a hard topic to talk about, and I’m glad you’re putting it out there too. The more of us that can step up and be heard – - the less stigma it will have. much love!

  • http://www.tinareale.com/blog Tina

    I can relate on every level. I have thought each of those thoughts. It makes me ache for you because I understand and wish I could help you to know just how wonderful you are and never have to doubt it. Sadly, I can’t. So I just pray and hope the words here from me and from others can begin to make the impression – You ARE worthy. You ARE loved. You DO deserve so much more in life – joy, peace in yourself, strength, and more. They are all ALREADY inside of you. The binges and voices, as you said, are not you. You have to take ownership of your body and thoughts to keep pushing on and tell the negative thoughts to “Shut Up, Already!” It’s day by day. It’s progress, not perfection. It’s understanding that some days won’t go as hoped but that you deserve more – the forgiveness to move forward and trust that it will keep getting better and better. Don’t lose hope. Don’t lose faith. Reach out and get all the support  you can get. People who care will not desert you. Trust and leap towards all you deserve to have…all you can have…all you WILL have! It’s not about giving up food. It’s about saying food is not what fulfills you. Recognizing that food doesn’t give you life. And you deserve life. Hugs, Emily!

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      aaaaaand now I’m crying. I knew you’d get this :)

  • Sarah

    This was an amazing post. Your honesty is admirable and I can appreciate and relate to what you’ve been living with. You’re magnificent and I love reading your words and finding inspiration in them.

  • stephadamo

    Oh, Emily! The tears are stinging my eyes as i sit here at work. You are brave and strong and NOT the least bit pathetic, and you are so so worthy of so much love. HUGS hugs hugs.

  • http://domwillrunforbeer.wordpress.com/ Dominique

    Emily, thank you so much for your honesty.  I hope you realize that you are not alone in your feelings.  You’re inspiring others – people like me – to be honest with themselves and power through binging.  Congrats on 6 days binge-free.  I hope that it will turn into 600 days! 

  • http://www.skinnyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

    Oh girl, I am with you 100% and love you! That binge looks mild compared to ones I’ve done. Not that it should be a consolation. You’re awesome. 

  • Sara B

    You just wrote about me! I am suffering from BED but i struggle to see it as an ED and just think i am lazy, fat and ugly. I eat in secret and scoff things down so i down even taste the food. My hubby knows but i am always eat in secret as i fool myself into thinking if i don’t do it in front of anyone it’s not ’real’. I am currently in therapy for BED (as well as other things) and i hope to get ‘better’ soon. Sorry i have rambled and i hope it makes sense! Hugs from the UK.

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      Your rambles are always welcome here, friend! I hope that we can both beat this ED. We deserve it. xoxo

  • http://twitter.com/262milejourney Punky B.

    There isn’t anything I can say that hasn’t been said before. You are so brave and I’m SO SO SO proud of you for being able to talk about this, both with Adam and with us. You are helping yourself and others by being so open. xoxo

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000571260183 Melissa McMinn

    Emily, wow. You speak the truth in every sense of the word. I am so inspired by you and your courage in sharing your story. And on a purely self-focused note, this post came at the perfect time for me. Up until 3 days ago I was binge-free for 24 days. I’m not sure what happened, but the past 3 afternoons, around 4:00, I have binged.

    I know it’s stress/boredom induced, but I especially appreciated the way you explained that even after a stunningly wonderful day, a binge can occur. I think sometimes individuals who don’t struggle with an eating disorder assume “something” has to happen to trigger a binge. But the truth is, as you pointed out, eating disorders are opportunistic bastards that will sometimes prey when we are feeling our strongest.

    Keep your head up and eyes focused ahead. You ARE healing yourself, you ARE winning this struggle. The mere fact that you shared your experience and got back “on the wagon”, so to speak, shows your immeasurable strength.

    Thank you, Emily. Thank you.

    ~Melissa M. (your DC friend!!)

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      love you, friend!

  • http://abznoats.wordpress.com/ Abby @ Abz ‘n’ Oats

    Thank you so much for sharing this. I too struggle with binge eating. Until today I had been binge free for 3 days. Something at work always stresses me out and I end up smashing graham crackers and then basically anything else in sight until I am so full I feel sick, then I feel lethargic and have no desire to go the gym the next day. It is just a continuous cycle that I WILL BEAT and SO WILL YOU! :) Such an inspiring post.

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      Get back on that horse, Abby! We can do this together :)

  • Katie Pauls

    This post is so awesome. And you’ve gotten so many amazing comments! I’m so impressed with the guts it took to write (and post) this. To me, it seems like this is another awesome step in dealing with your problems. First, you talked openly with Adam and now you’re sharing it with all of us. If part of healing is taking the power away from the disorder by refusing to hide it (and it probably is), you’re making great progress!

  • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

    I’m in your corner, Katherine. Anytime. xoxo

  • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

    Thank you so much for your love and support <3

  • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

    Hugs right back at you, Kali! xoxo!

  • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

     Thank you, Morgan!! :)

  • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

    We can and WILL. :)

  • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

    This is a great suggestion, Beth! I can see how yoga could help me connect with more positive thoughts/energy and squash the nasty voice. Thank you <3

  • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

    Thank YOU for reading, Mandy! I’m so glad to have found you, and others like us, but am a little sad that we all seem to have such deep issues with food. At least we can be surrounded by friends and not go through this alone. :) I hope to hear from you again – don’t ever hesitate to reach out. And if there’s something in particular you’d like to see addressed in these posts … let me know! I love feedback.

    Much love xoxo

  • AthleteComes Back

    Emily,
    I can totally relate to the binging. I have did this (and still do at
    times) countless times. Trust me, you are not alone.  Actually, you are
    inspiring.  What you shared with us in this post, I wish I had the
    courage sometimes to do the same.  I am not there yet, however I found
    strength in your sharing that has helped me.  Thank you for sharing this
    with us!! 

  • Carolyn

    I feel that I could of wrote this myself

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      “Liked” this to let you know I read your comment, and appreciated you stopping by. I’m sorry to hear that we’re both in this situation. But there’s hope – we (and so many others) are surrounded with support if we reach out. I’m here for you anytime! :)

  • Kara White

    I love when I find a new blog to read and the first thing I read is something I feel like I could have written myself. It’s an incredible feeling to know that all the crap I put myself through, it isn’t just me. For so long I’ve felt like no one could possibly understand what I go through almost daily. It’s starting to happen less and less as I push myself to change. Thank you for this and you have a new reader. :)

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      Glad to have you as a reader … thank you SO much for the support! <3

  • Jessica Pridgen

    thank you so much for sharing your story! as many have said before, it’s good to know that you’re not alone in this very difficult struggle. keep fighting, i know i will!

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      I’m in your corner till the fight is over. Thanks for being in mine, too! :)

  • Farrah Louise

    Wow you look beautiful in that picture. Just sayin’

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      Aw shucks, Farrah. ;) But seriously, thanks.

  • http://kimberlyn170.tumblr.com/ Kimberly

    Brutal. I’ve been there so many times I’ve lost count. Bravo for your courage and your honesty. That is the only way to conquer an eating disorder. It is only able to grow and fester when we hide it away in secret and allow the shame to control us.

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      Thank you so much, Kimberly!

  • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

    @69759292b726fb21bddcf0ec2bfef4e7:disqus :: could you shoot me an email? FitandFreeEmily@gmail.com … want to chat real quick! :)

  • SuzanneU

    I have stumbled on your blog from Kelly’s No Thanks to Cake blog. I am near tears because you are talking about me. You put the words in my mouth that I could not. Food as punishment for being disgusting is so dead on for me. As you say, Onward. Thank you!

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by and comment! I’m sad that we have the same demons, but glad that we’re not alone in this struggle. I”m here, anytime. ONWARD! :)

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