Please Note:: ”Life of a Binge Eater” (LBE) is a series about my experiences with binge eating. Binge eating is a pattern of disordered eating which consists of episodes of uncontrollable eating. Many of the things I discuss could be extremely triggering if you are dealing with an eating disorder, so please read at your own risk. I am not an doctor or a therapist. I am simply telling you my story.

How did I get here? How did this become my life?

I remember saying this out loud one night after a bad binge, when I was around 23. College was the height of disaster for me, in so many ways. I didn’t realize I had an eating disorder. Perhaps I did, but I was in serious denial. I just thought i loved food. Not true, Emily. You don’t love food, you love what it does for you. They way it can numb your feelings, provide comfort and serve as punishment.

But there I sat, in my car. I had just ate an entire pizza (large) and box of popcorn chicken from Casey’s over my dinner break at work. I had 30 minutes left (meaning I had ate all of that in under 30 minutes) and was contemplating going back inside for donuts. Covered in grease, wrappers surrounding me, my gut screaming in pain, and still – all I wanted was more. There was almost a panic and excitement to it. How much more could I eat in 30 minutes? Immediately this is coupled with fear and anxiety. What if people could see me eating this? What if they all found out?

How did this happen? How did I wind up in the back of an abandoned parking lot next to a gas station, shoving piece after piece of pizza into my mouth until I couldn’t taste anymore. I doubt I tasted anything after the second bite. I wished, no, prayed that I would just throw up. I tired. I couldn’t. I wiped my greasy fingers on my jeans and tried not to cry.

On the way home

How did I get here? How did this become my life?

I think this was the first time I had actually confronted myself. The worst part? I had no answer. What happened? Nothing. Was there a trigger? Not that I could think of. There was no “shatter moment” that day, no upsetting news, no anxiety. Just life. This was my life. For whatever reason, that answer (this is just your life, Emily) wasn’t good enough in that moment. I cried. I cried real sloppy tears. I called into work claiming “car problems” and drove to my apartment.

I ripped open my journal and made a list of every person that had “done me wrong.” Lied to me, abandoned me, cheated on me, abused me, betrayed me. It’s all their fault. Really, I knew there wasn’t anyone to blame but myself.

_______________

Messy words

When I first thought about writing this series, I thought it was going to be an easy one-month project. Let’s see: there’s current binge eater Emily, the point where I realized I was “Fat” Emily, High school Emily, and college Emily. All neat and pretty. I very (very) quickly realized that there are many more pieces to the puzzle. Hundreds of little moments that shaped each of those parts of me and why I have an eating disorder. Today I wanted to remind myself that, even though people and events shaped me, I am (and was) the driver of the car; the writer of my own story. No one else.

There are millions of things I want to tell you, and I don’t even know (most of) you. Those of you that I do know, probably don’t know 99% of these stories. Sharing these stories will be extremely difficult for me, and I spent the greater part of this afternoon trying to figure out exactly how to piece it together. In an effort to squash the cryptic vibe going on, here a few of the topics you can expect over coming weeks: realizing I was “fat”, middle school bullies, weight watchers, pill-popping, living the buffet life, experimentation with drugs, my relationships with men (spoiler alert: includes cheating and being assaulted), failing out of college (twice), wracking up over 10k in debt, and all the while using food as my medication.

Sometimes I still feel like I’m in that car, looking at the pieces fall around me and thinking What happened? Emily, what did you do? I hope in the coming weeks, as I take it back to square one, I can start to unravel the mess and see what’s underneath it all.

 

Ready to get messy with me? :)

 

– Emily
Be Strong. Be Fearless. Be You.

You might also like...

Zemanta

categories: Binge Eating, Emotional Weight, Life of a Binge Eater11 comments

  • Wannabe Thin

    I can’t wait to read more from you. You write with amazing heart. And I relate…the details may be different, but the moments are the same.

    J.Dayle
    http://thebiggerpictureproject.blogspot.ca/

  • MrsR2013

    I look forward to reading your story. You are an extremely brave woman to put all of this out there and you should be proud of yourself :)  

  • Katie Pauls

    Another awesome post, friend! The two posts in this series have been some of your best writing. I’m so excited to read this series!

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      Thanks for talking through it with me today! I’m glad I didn’t end up with a 2,000 word post ;)

  • Jenn

    I completely relate and I appreciate you putting yourself out there so others don’t feel so alone and can be inspired to take a good hard look at themselves as well. I know you have inspired me.

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      Thank you so much, Jenn. I hope we can all sort through this tangled mess together. xoxo

  • Kalibutterfly

    Thank you again, for being so brave and sharing your story. Saying it out loud takes the shame out of it and you really do inspire me. Hugs from California :) .

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      Right back atcha, Kali! Thank you <3

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000571260183 Melissa McMinn

    What you are doing here, Emily, is SO important. I think I said that last week as well, but it’s true. Everyone needs to hear these stories to understand they are not alone and, those who do not have issues with binge eating, can understand what drives this disorder. I am so glad you have the courage and audience to share these stories! I especially like how you talked about this one particular NOT being fueled by any major life crisis because (for me) that is what 99% of my binges are about-nothing. Nothing in particular at least, just a pathological need to stuff my feelings down with food. Thank you so much for sharing this! You are an inspiration.

  • thechimes

    soooooo glad you posted this.

    I’ve never had that much food in that short amount of time. It’s impressive! (and I mean that in a nice way — mostly because I’m competitive about everything!)

    Normally my binges include ice cream. Or bags of candy (big ones). I’ve definitely eaten an entire large pizza before in one sitting. The sad thing is that it’s usually coupled with a purge.

    Which honestly, I’m glad to see people doing series on binge eating itself — not the purging part. I have a hard time getting some of my friends to see that binge eating IS an eating disorder. I get so much crap from one of my friends for being “too skinny” or always picking the healthy stuff … when she is a binge eating champion. But somehow in America where it seems that everybody is overweight, it’s acceptable to be a binge eater. And that is just wrong. It’s a mental illness just like anorexia or bulimia.

    • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

      There is definitely a social stigma that binge eating isn’t a real disorder, and I’m glad you brought that up! In a way, I feel like I would be more acceptable if I was anorexic or bulimic because at least I would be thin. Being F-A-T is so despised that even when someone has a disorder we place it in a taboo zone. I’d be interested to hear people’s thoughts on that!

      Thank you for your commenting-spree today. It made my week! :)