Buckle in, ladies and gents,  because this might be a doozy.

First, let me explain the title.

My friend Emmie, over at Authentically Emmie, recently started a weekly post she titles “Transparent Tuesdays,” which she explains as this:  During #TransparentTuesday,  we remove the rosy filters of social media and share real life. Share your posts in the comments below for all to see. Or, share on social media and tag #TransparentTuesday.

So, because I’ve avoided this blog for two weeks, because things are a bit messy and crabby (and bloggers don’t always show that), and because it’s time I stepped up with some transparency of my own, here’s what’s going on in my world. Mostly bullet-style, just so I can get through this quicky.

Oh, and with GIFS, because that makes everything a bit funnier and not so … ranty. ;)

– I have been in a depression like whoa, as of late. Maybe it’s because I’m turning 30 this Saturday, maybe it’s because I pretty much loathe walking into my work every morning, maybe it’s because I feel like I’m doing fairly well at this whole “healthy living” thing and seeing no progress. Maybe it’s all that, plus some. But all I want to do is sleep. Like, 20 hours a day – sleep. The moment I wake up, I want to hide under the covers and make the world go away.


– Dramatic much? Probably. I know it’s not cute to be “all emo” at this age. Is it ever, really? I digress. Long story short, everyone is pissing me off and everything is terrible. I’m annoying myself just by typing that. It’s a weird place to be – annoyed with yourself, but feeling incapable of turning things around.

– With exception of last week (because of all the above) I have been KICKING BUTT. Group classes, OA meetings, eating well, and NOTHING. Not a single difference, anywhere. Not on the scale, not in my clothes, not in my energy levels, NADA.

– I posted this pleasant little announcement on Facebook the other day. That’s right my friends. I took one week off (last week) of working out. Still eating well, still staying moderately active through walks and chasing after the kiddo. ONE week off of vigorous exercise and BOOM: 10lbs up.

– As of this morning, my scale said 291. My highest weight ever? 310. Cue the tears. Oh, and cue the permanent bitch-face.


– Which lead me to googling ALLTHETERRIBLETHINGS to lose weight. Wraps, shakes, pills, surgery, bring it on. I’m at this point of crazy desperation that I feel like I would do just about any damn thing to lose weight. Even just 50lbs, so I had the energy and less pain when I do anything and everything. Because apparently this whole “eat less move more” is not. effing. working.

– Yes, I’ve been tested for just about everything under the sun. I’m, unfortunately/fortunately, normal. With the exception of my chronically low Vitamin D, which makes me feel like a zombie.

– Really, I just feel like a big (fat) failure. I can’t call myself an inspiration to people, when I can’t even motivate myself. I can’t be a good mom or wife when I’m angry all the time. I can’t be a productive worker when I’m just going through the motions.

– Disturbingly, this whole scenario is pushing me to  another extreme: I don’t want to eat. I eat at work, but haven’t been eating dinner at home. I’m just so exhausted with counting calories and trying to solve the endless puzzle “why can’t I lose weight” (and Intuitive Eating is off the table, for someone like me that has been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder, I’ve tried) that I come home and (again) just want to sleep.

– Because, if I have to eat one more damn salad I will go ape-shit and throat-punch my way to the cookie bar at work.



I know what works for me, and unfortunately I just don’t know how to fit it into my life. When I was losing weight in college, it was because I worked out (vigorous cardio) 60 minutes a day, weights for 30 minutes, and calorie counted every single thing. BUT, I was also coming off of my crazy binge-eating days, so the food shift was huge. I feel like, at this point, I don’t have many bad food habits to completely overhaul, so it’s harder. Does that make sense outside of my brain? ;)

Can I get back to fitting in 1.5 hours of workouts each day? I’m honestly not sure I can.

Should I be looking into another “style” of eating? I can’t imagine cutting out more food without totally losing my mind. Tracking my macros makes me nauseous. I’m looking into meeting with a nutritionist, soon.

So, this is me. All pissy and full of tweenage-emo-rage. It’s not all sunshine and unicorns over here in the Fit and Free land, but man I sure wish it was. I sure wish I could get back to that girl who believed she could do it, but I haven’t really seen her in years. This faking-it-till-I-make-it is just not cutting it.

<end rant>


What about you? Anything you’d like to rant about? ;)




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