If my last post brought me any positive realizations about myself, it is this: I don’t give up easily. Clearly I don’t have it all figured out, but I keep showing up. A lesser person would have thrown in the towel a long time ago, right? I was thinking a lot about this on the treadmill this morning. Why do I keep coming back to the gym? Why even try? Believe me, I’ve thought every single day about giving up and just resigning to the life I have now. It’s not all bad. But something(s) keep me coming back and pursuing my goal, and it’s important to acknowledge that.
So, in no particular order, here are the reasons I keep showing up:
I want to be able to…
run after my daughter without getting winded.
not be afraid of doing anything outside, for fear of being mocked or humiliated (Oh look, fat girl in a canoe! Let’s see her try to get out of this!)
say “YES, I CAN DO THAT” to physical/active requests.
sit down in a chair without worrying if I’ll break it.
sit in a booth without having my stomach cut in half.
sit on the floor without my feet instantly falling asleep.
walk through a crowded room without being hyper-aware of the space I’m taking up or what I might knock over.
get through a meal without a myriad of feelings (anxiety, depression, manic happiness, etc).
be actively in recovery.
never worry about what will hold my weight, ever again.
walk into any store and find something that will fit me.
wear all the lingerie I want to wear. (#realtalk)
run a mile.
run a 5k.
run a 10k.
run a… okay, just be a runner if I want to.
wear jeans and a white t-shirt (this is like everyone’s fantasy, right? ha).
live long enough to watch my grand-kids (should I be lucky enough to have them) get married).
touch my toes without my belly getting in the way.
cross my legs (knee over knee) while sitting in chair.
walk without my calves touching.
wear a proper jacket/blazer and button it up.
sit on a couch/chair without feeling the need to put something over me (pillow/blanket/coat/etc).
never worry about being “too fat to fly.”
never have to say “mommy’s too tired” again, solely because I’m out of shape.
do a push-up.
do a pull-up.
see my collar bones (#realtalk).
see my feet.
see my jawline.
a bunch of other superficial things, I’m sure.
be the best version of me.
I want to feel…
at ease with my body.
at ease with food.
respected (by myself).
confident in my skin.
like I belong in the body I have.
I’m sure there’s a million more reasons, and maybe some super important ones I didn’t even think of. I’m glad I typed this out, because there are definitely moments were I need to reference my “why.” WHY do I want this? I have to admit, losing weight was easier when I wasn’t happy with my life (back in college). I was trying to improve my life by losing weight and I thought that happiness would come when I was skinny. That’s not a healthy mindset to have, but it certainly gave me that it-must-be-done drive. As luck would have it, I found happiness within myself and in my life WITHOUT being skinny (shock! *eye roll*), but that also means, at times, I can become pretty comfortable. I have a lovely husband, home, daughter… is it all that bad? It’s hard to remember the little things I’m fighting for, and they aren’t that little. Here’s to showing up! :D
Why do you keep showing up?